And you will know my name is the LORD...

...when I lay my VENGEANCE upon thee!

Samuel L. Jackson's been trying to make fetch happen ever since 'Pulp Fiction.' It's cool, dude. We like you just for who you are. You don't have to be Jules in every single movie you do. Except, of course, in the 'xXx' movies, where we get the feeling you were auditioning for Nick Fury by playing Jules. Amirite?

You guys may recall my deep affinity for 'xXx,' an action film so asinine I briefly considered renaming the Danger Zone the 'Xander Zone.' It would take a lot to trump the one-two punch of Archer and Maverick, but Vin Diesel's totally believable secret agent hooligan who stars in an underground website nearly did it. However, after he realized he was an enormous celebrity who didn't need to make a sequel and instead needed to spend all his time and money convincing Hollywood to a)let him star in 'Star Wars', b)feign slumming in the 'Fast and Furious' movies, and c)let him star in his vanity project about Hannibal, the producers needed someone else to fill his GIANT shoes in 'xXx: State of the Union' (urk). Who might that be, you ask?

Jesus, Ice. You were in NWA and you played Doughboy. Come ON, guy. Well...far be it from me to speak against someone who probably has $50,000 monthly mortgage payments; sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

So Netflix just did its changeover, where the Instant Gods yank a bunch of faves and throw new ones up. As I am perpetually trolling for shit action movies and didn't see it before, I'm assuming 'xXx (you like how I now know how to spell that correctly?): State of the Union' came out of the new slush pile. Praise!

We begin at a bucolic horse farm, where right away a murder of ninjas appear and whip out a bunch of ludicrous gizmos that explode tunnels into the ground (that is a poor description of what happens, but take my word for it). Under the horse farm is a high-tech bunker similar to the high-tech bunkers found in the following:

1. Left Behind: The Kirk Cameron Story About Jesus and Other Things
2. X-Mens 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5
3. The West Wing

...and so on. Nick Fury is down there, his face magically unscarred and his Villainous Blue Eye (TM stupid movies) magically brown, and there's a shootout between the ninjas and a bunch of NSA office workers. Although the NSA office workers give it the ol' college try, they are all annihilated, while Nick Fury grabs that bowl of cream of wheat version of Q and escapes in this, the stealthiest vehicle he could find in his underground high-tech bunker:

He uses its rocket launchers to stealthily blast his way through a flimsily-constructed barn and stealthily drive off, musing aloud about needing a new xXx (because the old one is too busy lunching at Mantilini's). The new xXx can't be a skater or a snowboarder, Nick Fury says, but he DOES need to have "more attitude." The idea of "more attitude" is efficiently described by the images in the opening credits, which tell us that Ice Cube's xXx has "more attitude" because:

1. Jail bars
2. Helicopters flying through explosions
3. A computer hard drive
4. The American flag

Bring it! Now, Tan President of America is concerned about all those NSA guys who got ninja'd. Willem Dafoe, his Secretary of Defense, also seems concerned, but because he's Willem Dafoe, we believe that for about one nanosecond. That guy played with leeches and tried to kill Spiderman! Tan President gives us the timeline for the movie when he says something about the military shaping up or he's going to make fun of it in his State of the Union address THIS WEEK. OK! So now we know we have 1 week for Ice Cube to get out of jail, learn to be suave, learn about all the advancements in technology that have happened in the 9 years he's been locked up, kick everyone's ass, and save America.

Ice escapes from jail at Nick Fury's urging with an ease that begs the question: why didn't he try this before? Meanwhile, back at the ranch, SCOTT SPEEDMAN BEN COVINGTON DELICIOUS is informed that "Xander Cage was killed in Bora Bora last night." Since we know what Xander was doing in Bora Bora - holding his breath underwater for 3 minutes while having sex with Asia Argento - we must assume that he was killed by a shark, while having said sex. To refresh your memory:

Ben isn't pouring a 40 out for Xander Cage; clearly everyone's pissed that Vin Diesel bailed on this movie. Instead, he says a bunch of NSA words about spying on Nick Fury. Careful, Ben! Nick Fury will CUT A BITCH if provoked, and you are Canadian, after all. Just...watch your 6.

Ice Cube, feeling fat and sassy after a plate of fries and a shake, throws some of that "attitude" around, reminding Nick Fury that he's actually way more terrifying a human being despite having made 'Are We There Yet?' He takes Nick Fury and Q to lie low in Hamsterdam, at the chop shop where he used to work. In a gruesome marketing ploy, the guy who runs the shop is Xzibit, but Ice will only be satisfied with the top dog, played by Marvin Gaye's daughter in a wig and a suit from the Frederick's of Hollywood Career Chic Collection. They collude to, I dunno, find some information and stuff, while Q builds a rocket launcher in an hour that Ice uses to blow up a car at the horse farm. Ben Covington chases after Ice (an aside: the high-tech underground bunker is plastered with the 'xXx' logo. Is that the logo for the NSA? Or was that entire bunker built in hopes that Xander Cage would come back from Bora Bora uneaten by a shark?), and, being Canadian, you'd think he'd be more skilled than a guy from Compton at running through the woods, but Ice gets away. Q, however, gets caught, and Ice saves him by doing which of the following?

1. Riding a shark on a silver serving tray
2. Riding a boat up onto a bridge
3. Riding one of the horses from the horse farm and picking Q up like Legolas picking up Gimli

Yep, you guessed it! Not the Legolas one.

Nick Fury sneaks home to get some of that information and stuff, where evil Willem Dafoe traps him and BLOWS HIS HOUSE UP WITH HIM INSIDE!?

We never see a body, so I'm skeptical. What do you guys think? Tomfoolery?

Ice is on the case, meaning he has to put on a sharp suit and act suave in front of a hot blonde lady who was purportedly in cahoots with Nick Fury. After an uproarious scene where Ice pretends to be the Reverend Al Sharpton to fool a guy from the NRA, the hot blonde lady and Ice work a fancy dress party hosted by Willem Dafoe and a bunch of other hot blonde ladies playing electric violins. I mean, seriously: the hot blonde ladies playing violins get an equal amount of screen time to Ice Cube during this scene. What, was director Lee Tamahori enamored with the dulcet Autotuned sounds of their savaging of the overture from 'The Barber of Seville'?

Original Flavor hot blonde lady brings Ice home, wafts the scent of her vagina at him to soothe him, and then sets him up to get captured, because...

Because Ben Covington is Canadian, he goes unarmed into the Original Flavor hot blonde lady's house to try and reason with Ice. After some expository dialogue I wasn't paying attention to, Ice takes care of business by microwaving a bunch of meat (Jesus, there's more meat in her freezer than in my own! NOT A EUPHEMISM) to fool the ninja heat sensors and sneak out of the house dressed in one of the ninja costumes. Ice's ragtag team realizes they have to hack into the Department of Defense, which is no problem for Q; you might recall he graduated magna cum loddie, Phi Beta Kappa, from MIT. Meanwhile, Ice and Gaye Jr. flirt over an abomination of a Shelby concept car, because, this movie.

Moving on, before things get any more boring than they already are! Ice sneaks on to an aircraft carrier, where he sees OFHBL - dressed for business in one of Gaye Jr's castoffs - with TAA DAAAAA Nick Fury! She's got Nick Fury in lockdown, which makes Ice mad, so he punches her. This gives Nick Fury the opportunity to transmogrify into Jules and yell, "You know you shoulda killed that bitch!" Ice knows, baby. Ice knows.

After stealing a tank, Ice trades quips (YES) with one of his former military buddies, informing him that because he has a big mouth, he's going to be very popular in prison. My assumption is the dialogue infers that the military buddy will be popular because he will have a large mouth to facilitate blow jobs. Amirite?

You guys, the State of the Union is TONIGHT. Hurry up, Ice!?! Ben Covington is getting ready for it by workin' on his fitness in the boxing ring. That guy punches like a girl, and I don't mean a girl like Gina Carano, I mean a girl like a third grader with noodle arms. But that's OK, at least somebody got their shirt off in this movie. After he cleans up, he Deep Throats it in the parking garage (NOT A EUPHEMISM) with Ice, exchanging more expository dialogue about information and stuff. Ben Covington needs convincing, but when he sees the military is setting up some shady shit for the State of the Union, he says, thoughtfully, "World War 4." Whoa! Did you guys know WWIII already happened? Was he referring to that one time that Xander Cage saved the city of Prague from being poisoned by a giant fart machine? Anything's possible in this cinematic universe, I guess.

Ben Covington shows everyone he's not so Canadian after all by subverting authority and joining the ratchet gang back at the chop shop, where he says some car words that, to me, are indistinguishable from the NSA words he said earlier. This proves to Ice that he's on his side, and - I quote - "the cleanest revolution in history" gets revealed as the two guys realize that Willem Dafoe is staging a coup at the State of the Union. WHAT?!?! HOW IZ DIS POSSIBLE WE HAD NO IDEA!!!1!!!?!

Time to bring Xzibit back into it. He needs convincing, so Ice tells him not to aid them out of any patriotic duty, but instead to help them because it will enable him to chop cars "on the same block as the White House." Is he promising Xzibit a government job? Well, SHEEIT! That seems like plenty of incentive!

Willem Dafoe is ready for his coup, using Nick Fury as the fall guy, which should surprise nobody. Xzibit uses a couple of fetch girls to hijack a semi full of weapons, and the guys are ready for bear! As Ice succinctly puts it, "The fate of the free world's in the hands of a bunch of hustlers and thieves." Ben Covington's snappy Canadian comeback: "Why should tonight be any different?"

Ice, Xzibit, Ben Covington and all the hustlers and thieves plow through military blockades to the tune of 'Fight the Power,' which sends a bewildering message. Why I'm looking for a message is beyond me. I'm more concerned that Xzibit seems to be doing all the work at this point, like jacking a tank, while Ice is just along for the ride. Xzibit even gets a catchphrase: "Let's redecorate!" Shouldn't Xzibit get to be a xXx too? Or, at least, he should get some kind of MacArthur Genius Grant for the incredibly advanced auto technology he's developed in about 20 minutes.

Willem Dafoe has Tan President cornered, and there's a boring shootout culminating in Ice freeing Nick Fury. Nick Fury gets to shoot OFHBL, and you know what's coming: "See? I told you you shoulda killed that bitch!" But Willem Dafoe's getting away with Tan President! How on earth, you guys?

1. On a presidential bullet train 3 stories below the Capitol
2. Through a device which folds space-time
3. On a pair of Segways

RIIIIGHT. Luckily for Ice, Gaye Jr brings him that gross Cobra concept car, which at least is fast enough to catch a bullet train. But what would he do with it once he caught it? I'll tell you: he drives the Cobra onto the train tracks, where it fits tidily on the rails, so he can jump onto the train. There's some more boring fighting, during which Ice finally gets HIS own catchphrase ("Hillbilly...you need to lighten up," whilst throwing a Zippo lighter on a bleeding gas line), and Ice and Willem Dafoe fight to the death while Ben Covington actually saves Tan President (which seems pretty goddamned unfair to me). The train blows up, some other things happen, and Ben Covington gets the Congressional Biscuit of Honor from Tan President, who unwittingly quotes Tupac. Ice doesn't seem to mind getting shafted; he's too busy speaking revolting dialogue like this:

Gaye Jr. (about the Cobra): How fast did she go?

Ice: Two-twenty, two-twenty-five. Second best ride of my life!

Extreme close up on: a Sally Beauty press-on tattoo of the 'xXx' logo on the back of Ice's neck!!1/!!!?!

CANADIANS UNITE!

An Atheist's Nightmare: 'Left Behind'

Since we know homophobic evangelical ignoramus Kirk Cameron's modi operandi always revolve around pimping out his various 'ministries', let's see how 'The Way of the Master' - the hilarious and grotesque series he does with that one guy who's obsessed with bananas - handles the straight-to-video 'Left Behind.' As one new to such 'ministries,' I'm in need of some basics, so a correlation between the plot of this movie and the relevant 10 (alleged) Principles for New Christians should help ground me in Cameron's 'ministries.' Yeah, Imma keep writing that word like that until it sticks.

We begin the movie with a bang, and by a bang I mean a bunch of shots of tourists wandering around Jerusalem. THE HORROR! Kirk Cameron, known in this universe by the hardboiled moniker Buck Fuckley (that's not his real last name, but things that rhyme are better than things that don't rhyme), intrepid reporter, stands in a clearly GMO-engineered wheat field outside of the city. The old dude who is responsible for this isn't God - he's a scientist, who's psyched to use his Eden Project (oy) to end world hunger, which I guess starts in Israel. Three minutes later there's a massive airstrike, with so many digital planes I feel like I'm playing Galaga. As the skies inexplicably blacken, Buck and Old Dude hustle for cover into a run-down hut, which turns out to be a super high tech secret underground facility, because of course it is. It feels like there should be a Jaeger or two lying around in there to help out, or at least WOPR, but instead there's just a bunch of people pointing at maps and an Israeli commander yelling in bewilderment because "all the electronics are jammed." I thought Israel had nukes and one of the world's best militaries? No? Just checking.

Principle 4: Prayer - Wait For A Minute

        According to the Way of the Master, this one's easy. This would definitely be a moment in the movie where prayer would work and save everyone, right? In order to get "clean hands and a pure heart," you have to confess your sins through prayer. It probably wasn't Kirk Cameron's intent, but that makes me think of "Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose," and then I think of Tim Riggins, and then I'm happy. So I guess it works!

Well, Thank God (TM Kirk Cameron) Buck Fuckley's on the case, because he grabs his trusty camera and runs back outside to film the situation. Back at wherever he's broadcasting to, a bunch of his colleagues are transfixed by his Pulitzer Prize-worthy commentary. A kooky woman with a bizarre swirly bindi on her forehead begs Buck to get out, while a man notes that Buck would have filmed Hiroshima from ground zero if he'd been there, a statement which reads on so many levels of horrible I need some Clorox sprayed on my brain to get rid of it.

Then, holy shit! Moses comes around the corner and spews a prophecy, and then wanders off to get an espresso.

Moving on. Some fake 'N Sync plays while a handsome fellow in a commercial pilot captain's uniform washes his face. He comes downstairs to his nuclear family just in time to say something demeaning to his teenage daughter, pick a fight with his wife and flip 'tude to the family's reverend. Looks like somebody needs to get SAVED! Aaaaand we have our story arc.

Principle 2: Faith - Elevators Can Let You Down
     
       According to the Way of the Master, God will never let you down if you trust him. Crafting a metaphor for spiritual faith which involves an elevator going up and down is extremely logical. From this I get that Handsome Captain needs to ride up and down in an elevator, and then he will find his faith.

After Buck Fuckley meets up with an informant who's positive the world's going to end because of banking and the CIA (maybe I had this movie all wrong!), he reviews his footage of Moses and is startled to hear him speaking Hebrew, when he was SURE he heard him in English before. What can this mean? We don't know, because this movie refuses to let us understand one single plot point before hurtling on to the next! In this case, it's to go to London, where a different handsome fellow from the U.N. appears to be in cahoots with some kind of shady banking kingpin who shows him a blueprint for what looks like Solomon's Temple. WOT IS DIS MYSTERY! Only Buck Fuckley can esplain, but he's too busy flying on an airplane piloted by Handsome Captain. After a brief exchange with a flight attendant who apparently got promoted to U.N. delegate thanks to some strings that Buck Fuckley pulled, we discover that Handsome Captain is TRYING TO HAZ AN AFFAIR WITH HER. This revelation pales in comparison to the revelation Buck Fuckley subsequently has, which is that a bunch of people on the plane have been spirited away, leaving their clothes behind!

Now, if this movie had any stones (meaning, of course: how I would do it), what would happen next is: Buck Fuckley would land the plane in a jungle and then the remaining people would have to battle dinosaurs using only their wits, their sexuality and whatever tools they can fashion from the plane. Since nobody asked me, this is what happens instead:

The Pilot's daughter (sporting a nose ring and a choker - thank you, 'Left Behind' costume designer!) comes across a huge accident perpetrated by people-less clothes. It turns out that loads of people everywhere are gone! Now, I need the Way of the Master here, because I thought the people who would be Left Behind (TM Kirk Cameron) would be sinners and shit, and yet there are all these perfectly good and kind people still hanging around. What gives?

Principle 5: Warfare - Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition

        According to the Way of the Master, the world, the devil and the flesh are enemies of God. There's also something in here about floating with dead fish, but I may need more 'ministry' to understand that. Mainly, God is "bringing every work to judgement," so all these people must be sinners and Buck Fuckley's still here to show everyone the Way [of the Master]? Yes?

Handsome Captain lands the plane in Chicago and Buck Fuckley calls Kooky Bindi, asking her to get a hold of Dirk Burton, the crazed conspiracy theorist from earlier. I wish I'd made up that name, but I didn't; someone else called an 'author' did. Buck Fuckley tries to convince Handsome Captain to fly him to New York (in his commercial jet? All by himself? I guess solving world hunger's OK, but perpetrating a fuel shortage crisis is no big whoop) because "it's really important." Well, I'm convinced! They go to Handsome Captain's house, where it looks like his wife and son took off with the Langoliers as well.

Why does he care? He was trying to fuck that U.N. delegate! Handsome Captain starts to read the Holey Bibley, showing us the story arc is working. His daughter comes home just in time to create evangelical Christian sexual tension with Buck Fuckley. She wants to help him, but he won't let her go outside because "it's madness out there," even though when they do go out the only things we see are an old couple walking sorrowfully down the block and a dog waiting for its owner to come back from The Rapture (TM Kirk Cameron). Thank you, Buck Fuckley, for attempting to assert the patriarchy! A mercurial private pilot costumed like professional lunatic Randy Quaid in 'Independence Day' gets Buck to New York with the alacrity of Brad Pitt shuttling around the planet hunting zombies.

Back in Chicago, the reverend friend of Handsome Captain is FREAKING OUT because he thinks he was a fraud. Wait a sec - if there was a Rapture (TM Kirk Cameron), then wouldn't he be proven right? The poor bastard goes on an 'acting' tirade the likes of which haven't been experienced since 'The Room,' yelling from the pulpit and falling on his knees and bawling so hard that Handsome Captain starts bawling too. The music swells, light spills through a stained glass church window, and I begin to feel nauseous, as though I've eaten a Thomas Kinkade painting.

Principle 7: Thanksgiving - Do The Right Thing

        According to the Way of the Master, this has nothing to do with Spike Lee. It has to do with "seeing more from your knees, than you do from your tip toes [sic]." As the reverend is bawling on his knees, I think he has Principle 7 under control.

Buck Fuckley's conspiracist friend is dead at the hand of the shady banking kingpin, so it's up to Buck, his Kooky Girl Friday and her similarly kooky roommate (or possibly lover? YES PLZ) to unravel some kind of secret code thingie that has to do with those blueprints we saw earlier. As Buck says, we're looking for a connection between the Temple, the GMO field and the destroyed planes. Yeah, you and me both, man! All the sweaters are unraveling!

Meanwhile, Handsome Boutros Boutros-Ghali and the Old Dude are hanging out at the U.N. (what is it with the U.N.?!), discussing the blueprints and a formula, and generating greater overall confusion about the plot of this movie. Boutros tells the world via Fox News that "accumulated radiation" is responsible for 140 million people going missing, which sounds a little bit like swamp gas reflecting the light from Venus, but what do I know? Kooky Bindi thinks he's making perfect sense, and since she's the arbiter of logic in this movie, it must be true. She does some more research that confuses me further, spurring Buck to get back on that plane and fly BACK to Chicago, where he figures out (finally) that all these shenanigans (save the one shenanigan that's actually interesting, namely: people magically disappearing from the earth) have to do with the shady banking kingpin using Boutros as a puppet to get something and someone formula money world hunger la la la la. He's TOO CLOSE TO THE TROOF, because he almost gets in a car that blows up!

Handsome Captain and his daughter comes to Buck's rescue; or, rather, they sensibly take him to get medical attention in the reverend's church office, rather than at a hospital. You're thinking, give me a break! How can a reverend possibly have medical equipment in his office that can clean and set Buck's shattered kneecap? But he's got something better: THE TROOF! Buck doesn't believe that The Rapture (TM Kirk Cameron) could be responsible for all those people vanishing, so the reverend, Handsome Captain and his daughter trot this out:

Principle 10: Troubleshooting - Cults, Atheists, Skeptics

        According to the Way of the Master, a repairman with a B.A. in the study of heat can tell you that a hot heater isn't hot, and you shouldn't believe him. That is TROOF! I would never believe any bullshit some guy with a B.A. in Heat Studies would tell me. Also: "the way to prevent sporting injury and pain, is to keep yourself fit. Exercise.[sic]" Principle 10 is extremely helpful! Thanks, Principle 10!

Kirk Cameron tries to convince us that he's playing a role by delivering this line: "Whoever this Antichrist guy is, he's gonna have one big war on his hands if he tries to rebuild this temple anytime soon!"

I just threw this in here because I didn't want to get to the end of this review without it.

The reverend believes peace is coming in the Middle East, while Buck - on the verge of converting to evangelical Christianity right under our noses - goes running off instead to "do something," forgetting that he's blown out his kneecap and gotten substandard medical care for it besides. He teleports to the U.N., where he has a crying epiphany in the bathroom while back in Chicago Handsome Captain and his daughter work on helping him out with a remote application of Principle 4. Buck's epiphany shows him that Boutros is THE ANTICHRIST GASP! Boutros starts going around in the U.N. doing crazy Antichrist shit like mind control and shooting the shady banker kingpin in the head, while his Whore of Babylon, the slutty former flight attendant, looks evil and tries to convince Buck that everything's OK. Buck knows that's some BULL-SHIT, because, well, Antichrist, and he goes back to the daughter and the church and Handsome Captain in order to...what? Build a rad army to fight the Antichrist? Actually figure out what the hell is going on? Make felt-and-macaroni banners? I'm assuming there's a sequel or twenty, because I've been left hangin' like Mr. Cooper here. Kirk Cameron, though, would probably tell me that the answers are all in the 10 (alleged) Principles for New Christians. Thanks, Kirk Cameron, for showing me The Way of the Master!

You guys don't have to watch the movie - just watch this video, which is basically one lyric away from a Nickelback song. Hence:

'Cursed': How To Be A Werewolf 101

Netflix...I'm back. I left you briefly when Amazon Prime lured me with the siren song of all those magical TV shows they threw at us a few weeks ago. 'True Blood'. 'Sopranos'. 'Carnivale'. So many titties. So much awesome.

But sooner or later, I always feel a longing for the Instant, like a craving for Cheetos or a desire to read a John Grisham book. Sometimes all that well-written, well-crafted storytelling, shot and edited beautifully, just isn't enough. Sometimes, the roulette wheel spins, and the number that comes up is just a real piece of shit that satisfies like none other.

That, my friends, is what I found when I came back to the Instant the other day, and saw this:

Mind, I'd just come off of binge-watching 3 trashy, unhinged seasons of True Blood, so I was kind of like, Meh, werewolves, I dunno. My affinity for a werewolf story pretty much extends to 'Teen Wolf', Original Flavor. But in peering more closely at the above image, I spotted Pacey, and wondered if this was one of those late-nineties Kevin Williamson-style movies where everybody wears halter tops and chokers or some shit like that (TM Vickie Miner) and runs around slinging quips (I LOVE QUIPS).

First: Wes Craven AND Kevin Williamson. So, yeah. Halter tops and blood squibs. Check. Second: Shia le Boeuf Bourguignone. OK, I know it's not Shia le Boeuf Bourggignon, it's the other guy from the Face Books documentary, but whatever, at this point they were indistinguishable from one another because: hair, nerdy fast-talking, squirrelly, smells like child actor. Check. Third: 2005. 2005!? I continue to be astonished by movies that are released that either came out of a wormhole or sat in the can for 8 years before somebody decided to try to make money off of them. 2005!?

So you press play, and here's essentially what you get, right from the jump:

No, sorry, it's actually the "band" Bowling for Soup, "performing" for a crowd of fans on the pier who are trying really hard to rock out for the camera despite their obvious misgivings. Two young ladies - the girl from 'American Pie' whose name I can't be bothered to look up and Mya, playing the role of the R&B singer trying to become a legit actor - sit down at the gypsy fortune teller's table, said gypsy being: PORTIA DE ROSSI!?28*@(*#! Why are you in this movie, dressed like Radagast the Brown? Portia freaks out on the girls and starts spewing cliches like "The beast is coming!" and "Beware the moon!" Doom approacheth, I guess. This is boring already, right? Let's get outta here. Cut to! Wacky dutch angle shots of the super-crazy parts of Hollywood, like the Ripley's Museum, which according to this movie is the arbiter of weird. The Boeuf Borg Queen, wearing a Penguin jacket (which would be hipster now but was dorky in 2005 apparently) and a backpack with both straps over his shoulders (yeah, dorky, sure) tries to flirt with a hot girl but is shut down by her aggressively homophobic boyfriend, that one guy from 'Heroes'. Nowadays, an aggressively homophobic character in a teen film would obviously be a troubled gay youth afraid to come out, but back then, it was like "Dayum, that guy is, like, so homophobic!" BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW.

Christina Ricci, the world's gothiest pocket person, goes to visit her boyfriend Pacey at the new club he's setting up, a place called 'Tinsel' - as in 'Town,' not the Christmas decoration - which is basically Planet Hollywood with horror movie stuff Wes Craven probably lent production from the shit he had in his garage. Pacey appears all scruffy and mysterious, and when Christina Ricci makes out with him she makes a stink face like she tastes something gross.

You taste like a burger, Pacey. I don't like you anymore. Probably because you're a werewolf. NOT A SPOILER.

Christina Ricci and her brother the Borg drive home on Mulholland (where the shit are they going from Hollywood that they would take Mulholland?) and get into a bad accident with American Pie, who's trapped in her car. The Borg helps free her just in time for something big and hairy to snatch her, drag her into the woods and eat her. Looks like Portia de Rossi was right! The Borg AND Christina Ricci get clawed, which according to the lame rules of bad werewolf movies means they're going to turn into werewolves; and just in case you didn't get it, the Borg's cute dog starts growling at him like Jonesy growling at Ripley's alien fetus.

Special plus bonus: this guy, playing a cop who doesn't care about werewolves:

So Christina and her brother go home, where some bad horror movie camera angles and some internet browsing of unsolved animal attack websites tell us shit is starting to get shady. Christina Ricci gets scared out of her mind by a fucking cuckoo clock (with Red Riding Hood on it, foreshadowing...?) and by the open front door with dead leaves blowing all over the place, which is because Pacey scruffily and mysteriously came in the house and left the door open for some bizarre reason. Shut the damned door, dude! Christina Ricci has a crazy dream where she bites him and a fly lands on her eyeball, while her brother wakes up outside, naked. He MUST be a werewolf. In case you still haven't realized this, he helps you out by eating deli meat with salt on it right out of the container for breakfast. Did you know salted deli meat was werewolf food?

The great Judy Greer shows up at Christina Ricci's office (I guess she works on the Craig Kilborne Show? Random). She is Scott Baio's publicist. Yeah, that's not a typo. She's REALLY concerned about this interview Scott Baio is going to do, and will Christina Ricci be dressed nicely enough and on time for it? I would rather know: why are all these awesome female comic actors slumming in this movie?

Christina Ricci is more concerned about stalking her way through the office huffing the air, because somebody has a bloody nose, and werewolves like bloody noses. I feel like this movie is truly a primer in understanding the biology of werewolves. She has to go meet Scott Baio at some rooftop party populated by halter tops and chokers, where Pacey scruffily and mysteriously shows up again (WEREWOLF MUCH), wanting to talk, because he feels badly about something blah blah who gives a fuck. Cheryl Tunt yanks Christina out of THAT awkward situation and sits her down with Scott Freaking Baio, the stupid unicorn of this movie. Scott gets really mad when Christina amusingly informs him he's going on for his interview with Craig after Ashton Kutcher and Carrot Top. Even if this movie were happening in 2014, that would still suck for Scott Baio, wouldn't it?

Down in the parking garage, more bad horror movie camera angles tell us that a werewolf's in the parking garage, ready to eat Mya, who's been in the movie long enough. When she sees oily werewolf pawprints on the floor, she smiles and tips her head, like, Yeah, sure, OK! Because it makes total sense, in the context of this movie.

So the thing that shows up to eat her was built by Rick Baker, the daddy of the badass werewolf from 'An American Werewolf in London':

Except THIS werewolf looks like a generic Halloween costume somebody bought at Aahs!!:

Somebody phoned it in! The werewolf eats Mya, which should surprise nobody. Later, the Borg tells Christina Ricci that 'the experts' in all the werewolf books he's been reading over the past couple of hours say that all signs point to them being werewolves. She doesn't believe him, but he's all-fired to take his place as a Teen Wolf, which means he comes to school the next day with a cool long-sleeved shirt on instead of his Penguin jacket and - I shit you not - a wig.

Let's do a quick character comparison here:

Yeah, sorry, guy, you lose.

Some butt-rock playing on the soundtrack accompanies Teen Wolf's wrestling tryout match against the homophobic boyfriend. Wait - I didn't accidentally put 'Teen Wolf Too' in the DVD, did I? I'm still watching a movie from 2005, right? Teen Wolf shows all the cheerleaders and mean jocks at school that werewolves are hardcore, while Christina Ricci is spazzing out at work because she sucked on Craig Kilborne's bloody finger ERMEHGERD. She's got a bad feeling about her werewolfiness because Portia de Rossi showed up at the Craig Kilborne Show (?) and told her:

She goes and hides in the bathroom, where a concerned colleague tries to open the stall door on her. What the fuck, lady? Can't a girl drop a deuce in peace? Christina Ricci is SO DETERMINED not to let her concerned colleague in that she hangs on to the stall door so hard her fingers dent the metal and get all bloody. All right, all ready! We get it, we'll let you work on that shit all by yourself.

Teen Wolf lets us know he's definitely a werewolf, in case you were STILL unclear about all of this, because he touches a silver pie server and his hand smokes. The homophobic boyfriend shows up at his door to profess his love for him in a scene which feels practically medieval in its offensive stiltedness (although upon further reflection....props for trying and failing, I guess). Teen Wolf's dog goes berserk on them, coz he got infected with wereness. In another movie this might have been handled as an interesting story element, buuuuut not here! The gay-not-homophobic boyfriend and Teen Wolf escape from the weredog by driving on Mulholland to get to Hollywood, which NOBODY DOES FOR CRYING OUT LOUD JUST TAKE THE 405 TO THE 101 THERE'S NO TRAFFIC THAT LATE AT NIGHT I PROMISE. At Pacey's club opening, Cheryl Tunt tries to push Scott Baio on everyone while Teen Wolf and Christina Ricci do a bunch of running around and hiding and investigating, the frantic hallmark of the climactic scenes in bad horror/adventure/fantasy movies. Who's the Big Bad? Is it Pacey? Is it Craig Kilborne's assistant? Is it some random girl in a halter top and a choker? When the werewolf goes on a rampage, Scott Baio (!?) saves Christina Ricci, yelling, "Come on! It's a fucking werewolf!" While everyone stampedes all over the place, Christina Ricci harasses a guard, demanding to know where her brother is. How the hell should that guy know?

You guys, GUESS WHO THE BIG BAD IS.

Nope, it's Cheryl Tunt, who jumps through a silver lame curtain, flips her hair off her shoulders and announces per her contractual obligations to production, "Showtime!" There's a sad girlfight between Cheryl and Christina, replete with monologuing, which ends when Christina Maces her in a moment that's supposed to be triumphant, I guess. Pacey shows up and tries to reason with Cheryl, but she knees him in the junk, which is apparently enough to put him down and out for the rest of the fight! Did you guys know you could take a werewolf out with a knee in the junk?

Cheryl wolfs out in an exquisite display of fourth-tier VFX and chases after Christina and Teen Wolf, while they holler things like "We Gotta Get Outta Here!" (TM The Eighties) and "You're playing with us, aren't you? Well, play this!" The cops shoot the shit out of Cheryl, and then everything's OK, right? No way, man! Back at the ranch, Christina and Teen Wolf start to realize they're still wolfing out because O NOES MAYBE CHERYL WASN'T THE ONE, and then Pacey shows up and monologues like crazy about how you kill a werewolf, what he wanted all along, and blah blah so on and so forth. Forty-five minutes later, after Teen Wolf runs awkwardly around on the ceiling and Christina tries to take Pacey out with a pie server, she finally gets real and cuts his head off with a shovel after getting one last quip in. The last shot of the burned-up werewolf Pacey is a pile of goo surrounding the pie server. Who knew the pie server was so important?

The triumphant ending goes as follows:

1. The dog shows up accompanied by the hot girl from the beginning and the gay-not-homophobic guy
2. Teen Wolf makes out with the hot girl in front of everybody, which doesn't bother the gay-not-homophobic guy who was her boyfriend the day before because he's gay so it's all OK
3. The gay-not-homophobic guy says "Nice moves"
4. They walk into the night holding hands while the camera cranes dramatically over Christina Ricci, who starts, uh, cleaning up the house.

This movie does not get a Nickelback two-thumbs-up, because there is SO not enough Scott Baio in it!??!

Miami Ninja Style, Bitches!

So a bunch of my students asked pretty please if I could next eviscerate 'Miami Connection,' a movie that I slung onto My List when it popped up not because I'd heard of it, but because the Netflix Instant told me it was about ninjas in a drug ring going up against tae kwon do orphans in a rock band. What the WHAT! Yes, please!

As a quick example, this is something that happens in this movie. Again: YES, PLEASE! So I was, all, grinning and tenting my fingers like Mr. Burns in anticipation of terrorizing 'Miami Connection.' When I started watching it, though, the first thing that popped up on-screen was the Drafthouse logo. I pressed pause, mildly concerned. Drafthouse, as in Alamo Drafthouse, as in the awesome cinema in Austin that supports indie and cult filmmaking (and seriously opposes cell phone use during screenings)? I might have been on the wrong track here.

And, in fact, I was, and so are all the haters. This movie was made by this tae kwon do Grandmaster (RESPECT) who invested every penny he had and cast his students as actors in an extreme act of love for the movies. Even though the stupid thing bankrupted him, because he promised his students they'd get to be in a movie about their sport he made good on his word and fucking barebacked it into completion. Then he was deeply humiliated for like 20 years until Drafthouse gave him the warm fuzzies and snuggled the movie to positive cult status.

I watched the movie, but my evil intent had already fizzled like a deflated balloon. Sure, there was plenty of hilarity, but there was also so much goddamned heart and soul in it that I could not maintain Fully Operational Snark. By the time I got to the scene where one of the orphaned tae kwon do students was bawling his eyes out because of his lost father, I was, like:

Guys, I cannot shit on this movie the way you want me to. First, I would never make fun of a martial arts Grandmaster. I studied under a regular Master and I was so terrified of him that to this day I automatically bow and then snap into my ready stance whenever I see an old Korean man. Make fun of a GRAND Master? DEATH WISH 2014!? No, thanks.

Second, the guy made it his life's goal to make a movie so he and his beloved students could bring the awesome spirit of tae kwon do to the people of the world. OH, COME ON!?!

Yeah, that's what I thought you said.

So I'm going to give Grandmaster Kim his due. He doesn't get off the hook completely, because he did, after all, make an unequivocally terrible movie, and he probably should have gotten some help from some qualified professionals (as opposed to what it appears he did, which is ask the kids hanging out by the Dumpster behind the 7-11 to run production) to at least make it make sense. He DOES, though, get a big fat Get Out of Jail Free card from me as well. I'm not going to rake this bitch straight up over the coals like I would otherwise.

Instead, I'll give Grandmaster Kim the help he should have had from the jump. Every bad movie starts with a bad script, right? So why don't I go through and script doctor this thing for him, and then maybe when he uses his millions that he now has from being a popular motivational speaker to make a sequel, he'll hire me on. Sound about right?

(FYI: All script notation is from the actual script. Deal with it.)

In the beginning a bunch of drug dealers doing a drug deal are beset by a passel of ninjas:

Suddenly, with lighting (sic) speed and tremendous force the Ninja's sword dismembers the gang member's arm. Standing there, with only a stub at the shoulder where an arm used to be, the gang member screams in terror.

Uh, OK, I'm actually fine with that. Moving on:

Twelve Ninjas are in a meditative squat around a Japanease (sic) table. Yashito, the White Ninja, enters the room. Yashito walks to the head of the table, kneels down, and commences to unravel his white cloth face mask.

YASHITO

Where's money. Where's Money!

Yashito slams his fist on the table.

Hm. Maybe this would be just as effective:

TIDWELL

Here it is. "Show me the money."

(pause) Show. Me. The. Money.

JERRY

I got it.

TIDWELL

Now doesn't that make you feel good

just to say it? Say it with me.

JERRY

Show. Me. The. Money.

Oh - oh, wait, hang on. I guess that won't work. We'll have to stick with what we've got.

Dragon Sound plays their opening song: "FRIENDS."  Jeff, Yashito and their gang members have entered the club. Jeff walks by the side of the stage. He does a double take as he recongnizes (sic) his sister, Jane, singing with Dragon Sound. Yashito comes over and points at Jane.

YASHITO

Jeff. Is that your sister Jane working here?

JEFF

She's not supposed to be here.

I don't know what she's doing here.

YASHITO

Better watch her. Let's go. Come on.

So this is bad, but cannot hold a candle to the lyrics of "FRIENDS," which is a far more egregious slaughtering of the concept of 'writing,' and can be blamed solely on songwriter Lloyd C. Sharpe, not Grandmaster Kim or the mook who wrote this script.

Sample "FRIENDS" lyrics:

Friends through eternity, loyalty, honesty

We'll stay together through thick or thin

Friends forever, we'll be together

We're on top, 'cause we play to win

Now, you guys have to tell me who paid better homage to "FRIENDS." Was it noted lyricist Avril Lavigne (singing here with YOU-KNOW-WHO)?

Or was it Dirk Diggler?

I'll let you decide.

Next, we get to know some of the members of Dragon Sound, the aforementioned orphans who also attend the University of Central Florida.

John and Jane are walking together, arm in arm, down a path.

JOHN

Jane, I've been wondering about your family.

Do you have any family? I haven't met anyone yet.

JANE

Well I have a brother. As a matter of fact,

if it wasn't for him I wouldn't be going to

this nice school and living in this nice dorm

I'm staying in.

JOHN

That's really nice of him.

JANE

Except for one thing. I don't really like him.

JOHN

What. You don't like your own brother. Why?

JANE

Well, I can't really explain it.

I just don't like him.

Finally, something I can work with! Let's clean this up:

JOHN

Jane, how come I haven't met any of

your family yet?

JANE

Because they're all assholes.

Speaking of assholes, the owner of Dragon Sound's club and some guy named Bob get in a fight about the band.

CLUB OWNER

I'll tell you what. Are you deaf?!

You sure don't know how to play.

BOB

Deaf my ass.

CLUB OWNER

You got it? I said your (sic) history.

BOB

Your (sic) full of shit.

CLUB OWNER

You want to go out of here right now?

A fight ensues.

I'm beginning to doubt my purpose here. That last bit is positively Shakespearean! Remember in Romeo & Juliet when Tybalt and Mercutio have an epic fight to the death after Mercutio basically calls Tybalt out for having a tiny dick? All Shakespeare wrote was 'They fight'! Just like this guy!

Before Dragon Sound's next gig they stop in at Uncle Song's restaurant for some kimchee.

Dragon Sound complements (sic) Uncle Song on his cooking as they hurriedly consume their meal.

JACK

Uncle Song, you take great care of us.

UNCLE SONG

Good.

TOM

You'll have to give Mark the recipe to this.

JACK

You take great care of us. We love you.

Jesus, this is killing me. How can I change that dialogue? It feels like Grandmaster Kim was leaning over the writer as he furiously pounded away on his Apple IIe, begging, "Please make sure you say nice things about my uncle's cooking! He took great care of me!" GAGHGHGHGHGH!!!?!!?!!?

Hang on a sec while I troll this script for something I can actually edit.

[At the beach] Tom and Jack come up behind one foxy babe in a bikini.

TOM

Excuse me madame. May I have a little kiss,

please? A little kiss, please. Come on.

While Jack encourages the girl to give Tom a kiss, she slaps Tom so hard that he falls over.

Nope, that sounds pretty good to me. I'd slap a guy hard enough to knock his dick in the dirt if he said "Excuse me madame." And following this is a cut scene where Mark (played by Grandmaster Kim, BTW) is watching a lone surfer out in the ocean and talking to the guy who was bawling about his lost father:

MARK

Jim, sometimes I wonder who my parents are.

You know, I am from Korea. When I was a baby I was

raised in an orphanage. I don't even know my

real name and my family at all. So I hope one

day we will find your father, for he is like our family.

JIM

Don't worry. We're all friends here. One family.

Mark looks back out into the ocean. There the lone surfer continues to wait for his wave.

This is some BULL-SHIT! I thought this script was supposed to suck! It gets worse. After a super-awesome montage of Grandmaster Kim busting some crazy fucking legit tae kwon do moves with his students, they talk about doing a martial arts world tour to promote peace and unity. FUCK ME!??!!? And then, after that, the ninjas eating at Uncle Song's restaurant stiff him with the check and then gang up on him! Luckily, Uncle Song does this:

Uncle Song explodes with an inside swing kick at the head of one of the street punks and follows with a knife hand strike to the neck of another. Uncle Song delivers a side kick with the right foot. Uncle Song then lays in with a left cross to the ribs and finishes off one street punk with a precise hammer fist to the spine.

I love that every single fight move is choreographed to the hilt up in here. And when the orphans congratulate Uncle Song on kicking ass, he cautions them with the wisdom of the ancients:

UNCLE SONG

Tae Kwon Do is not just kicking and punching.

Uncle Song point (sic) to his heart.

UNCLE SONG

Tae Kwon Do is right here.

Uncle Song point (sic) to his head.

UNCLE SONG

...and right here.

This is getting ridiculous. Am I going to have to recant this entire post? After this there's some escalation, both on a character and plot level, more well-choreographed if bizarrely executed fighting, and more loving dialogue from Grandmaster Kim to his students about their health and well-being. Whose dick do I have to suck around here to find some shit to make fun of in this script!?

The escalation rises to the point where Dragon Sound's lead singer is kidnapped and tortured by the ninja gang.

Dragon Sound kills Jane's asshole brother and frees Tom in another bonkers-ally choreographed fight. In wuxia fashion, the White Ninja vows revenge for the death of that asshole. BRING IT! This all sounds fine to me. Even this moment becomes a poetic beat during the falling action of this fourth act:

Dragon Sound is ecstatic about finding Jim's father. Mark, John, Tom, and Jack all lift Jim up onto their shoulders and begin to carry him around in celebration.

You are seriously not prepared for what happens next. After a touching scene where everyone pools their money to buy Jim a nice new suit to impress his dad at their impending reunion, the fucking ninjas cock-block Dragon Sound on their way to the airport. There's a bloodbath and Jim gets gutted by a katana!?

Now, in the movie, they punk out. No wonder everybody thought this was crap. Grandmaster Kim takes the White Ninja out after a gruesome fight, Jim gets all fixed up at the hospital and everybody loves everybody at the end. But in the script, THIS shit goes down (after pages and pages of Jim dying with agonizing slowness):

A plane begins to descend from overhead. John looks up.

JOHN

Oh no. Jim (sic) father is on that plane.

The airplane is about to land on a runway close by.

MARK

John, Jim is dead.

John pauses and then, in a furious rage, he realizes what must be done: Yashito must pay for Jim's death.

JOHN

We got to get them for this.

MARK

Come on!

We are inside John and Mark's thoughts. Each is mentally seeking out Yashito in the Park. John is running through the woods in the Park looking for Yashito. He is carrying a sword. Dissolve to Mark running through the woods with a sword looking for Yashito. Mark is yelling.

MARK

COME ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

And that's the end. Don't tell me that's not hardcore!? Now, neither of those endings are exactly in line with all the positive spiritual rhetoric about tae kwon do that's espoused throughout the script - both end in mayhem and death. But as someone who loves a fucked-up open-ended story, I gotta give this script credit for going there. I officially renounce any position I had whereby I stated that the script for 'Miami Connection' was bad! Never mind, Grandmaster Kim - I'm going to have to keep my day job!