Monday, January 27, 2014

Only Poo.

Possibly the worst post title in the history of western civilization.

So, you guys know how I love stupid expensive overblown movies from the 90s, and I also love dumb 80s movies, possibly more than good 80s movies? Well, I've got one that falls somewhere in the black hole created at the nexus of shitty 90s and shitty 80s movies, and that's 'Only You,' yet another movie I can't believe was actually made in the decade it was made in. This derpfest was birthed like a goat with two heads covered in placenta juice in 1992?! Remember what came out in 1992? (I like doing these unfair comparisons.) Last O' the Mohicans. Glengarry Glen Ross. UNFORGIVEN. So I'm going to say that director Betty Thomas should remain unforgiven for making this movie.

This is a movie about Farmer Ted (as with every time I mis-label a character, I know it's Andrew McCarthy and not Anthony Michael Hall, and hopefully you won't take umbrage at my sullying of Farmer Ted's good name) trying to get it on with Mrs. John Travolta while Helen Hunt wishes he would fuck her instead. It's good already, right? Almost as good as that wig Farmer Ted wore at the end of 'Pretty in Pink'!

Thanks to some intern working at the Netflix Instant, 'Only You' has been weirdly chopped up from whatever its original aspect ratio was into something that looks like it aired on channel 2569 at four in the morning sandwiched in-between an infomercial for Nads and a static shot of a local dog park. Whatever Netflix is showing MIGHT actually be someone's old VHS tape they pulled out from their hope chest. Makes it better, I say! We start with the camera moving through a doll house and into a party in a real house as though it were the point of view of a serial killer wearing corrective sunglasses. Farmer Ted (the designer of said doll house), looking puffy and bewildered (as was Andrew McCarthy's way in the 90s), is apparently marrying a hot girl who let him make a sexist Christmas card of her giving Santa a lap dance. When he calls her to remind her they're going on vacation in a couple of hours, she's apparently blown him off and left town, in the casually ludicrous way movies like this work. Surprised, Ted? Well, don't worry, I'm pretty sure you'll end up getting laid by the end of this movie regardless.

Although it's apparently like 9 pm on Christmas eve, Ted goes to a travel agency (YE OLDEN DAZE) staffed only by an Amish-looking Helen Hunt, who is frantically trying to appease two elderly Jewish stereotypes whose dialogue revolves around diarrhea. Ted gets mad at Amish Helen and calls her 'baby,' because this is the 90s, I guess, even though what he should have called her was a cab to the nearest travel agent training school, as she got the elderly couple tickets to Helsinki instead of Shreveport. COMEDY GOLD!

After Farmer Ted has a daydream about his former fiance servicing him whilst wearing an apron (I mean - seriously - a woman directed this!?), he decides to go down to the bar, where he fortuitously meets Mrs. Travolta, who also just got dumped. Sporting a deep fried perm and a Marilyn Monroe accent about on par with Dennis Rodman singing 'Happy Birthday Mr. President' to his bestie Kim Jong Un, Mrs. Travolta does the following, in order: motorboats him, tries to jerk him off and then stands in front of him so her vagine is in his face. What the shit is in the water in this movie!

Because the 90s, Farmer Ted takes Mrs. Travolta to a resort on the exotic beaches of Oxnard (thank you, IMDB), where, yep, he gets laid, even though in the morning Mrs. T doesn't remember a thing. Farmer Ted can't believe that's the case, though, as he is apparently a sensational lover: he calls himself 'Big Cliff' and says the hotel is going to have to change the springs on the bed. Who knew! After Mrs. T freaks out Farmer Ted emotionally rapes her a little by refusing to let her leave and doing creepy shit like bugging his eyes out and smiling while saying "You forget, we got very close last night." When she points out that she got so blackout drunk she could have been picked up by a rapist, Farmer Ted has to pause and consider her logic. Jesus wept!

Because the 90s again, Farmer Ted dominates poor Mrs. T and forces her to stay with him. But guess what! Amish Helen shows up (on Christmas Day?). FLY IN THE OINTMENT! When Farmer Ted ruins a brochure photograph for the resort she's taking (on Christmas Day?), he threatens to kill her with a huge butcher knife. The fuck!

The next day the tables begin to turn. Where Farmer Ted was once controlling and manipulative, now it's Mrs. T who's making him her bitch. She walks onto the beach in black latex, eliciting a definitively inappropriate catcall from a four year old with a bowl cut, and proceeds to make Farmer Ted do a bunch of emasculating shit that he clearly deserves. When Farmer Ted gets her a drink, she bails on him to go sailing with a bunch of hot guys. I'm having so much trouble deciding who's side I'm on!

Farmer Ted is nearly drowned by a sentient bed of kelp and rescued by...Amish Helen! He blows HER off, though, to go yell at Mrs. T for not fucking him all day long and instead going off 'sailing' (I'm using that as a euphemism for 'fucking,' in case you couldn't tell). So guess what happens? She fucks him in a swing on the beach! Now I REALLY don't know whose side I'm on.

Because Mrs. T blew him off again, Farmer Ted embarks on a series of photographic shenanigans with Amish Helen, including: getting shipwrecked, wearing pink shorts, and playing with the kid with the bowl cut. The latter makes Amish Helen - sporting a pair of overalls that Uncle Jesse would have felt at home wearing - get all warm in the baby maker, as the Lifetime piano music tinkling in the background tells us. They even fake a romantical dinner for the brochure, and we know it's romantical because Amish Helen is wearing her best Sunday-go-to-meetin' dress and Farmer Ted's wearing the shit out of a white suit like he's the fifth member of Color Me Badd. But Mrs. T snaps her fingers, and Farmer Ted jumps! INTO BED!

I feel that deserves the big boss Drop the Mic gif.

After a couple of inconsequential shots of a bunch of old people doing water aerobics and a postcoital shot of Mrs. T dreaming about those big blue dormitories on Fountain Avenue, she tries to run out on Farmer Ted again. He convinces her to stay by putting on those bug eyes again and emotionally raping her some more, but it's no dice, leaving Farmer Ted to pass New Year's Eve with Amish Helen. Are the Amish allowed to party on New Year's? Well, Amish Helen certainly thinks so, because she wears the Judy's version of Julia Roberts's 'Pretty Woman' dress in order to seduce Farmer Ted at the Enchantment Under the Sea dance!

If only they'd gotten Cassandra to play the gig! I guess she must have already been booked at the Dew Drop Inn.

So at the end here it comes down to a real Sophie's Choice for Farmer Ted. Should he shit all over Amish Helen yet again, even though he just made out with her and she clearly hot-rollered her hair for him, or should he move in with Mrs. T, who keeps yanking his dick? Well, Farmer Ted goes as far as getting on the plane with Mrs. T, who's generously offered to induct him into the Mile High Club, but then he bails on her (YAHTZEE!) and leaves her to fuck the goombah in the seat next to him.

What do you guys think happens in the end, after Farmer Ted runs Amish Helen down at a Target, nearly blowing her off one last time for some hot girl on aisle 7 inexplicably holding a trumpet?

Friday, January 10, 2014

10 Things That Suck About 'Skyfall'

When I saw 'Hansel and Gretel' pop up on the Instant, I was ready to shred. But then I watched it, and realized two things: 1, that it was produced by Will Ferrell, so anybody taking it seriously was missing the point big time; and 2, that I love Jeremy "Hawkeye blows, I KNOW" Renner no matter what, so any snark of mine was going to be halfhearted at best.

Instead, I'm going to go big or go home, and tell all y'all why I thought 'Skyfall,' a movie which will be at the top of all the Instant Lists for a while yet, licked grubby goat ass. Not a popular opinion, I'm aware, and my reasons are mostly petty - I mean, it's a Bond movie, what do you want, it ain't Bergman - but I've now sat through it twice (the second time to see if I was wrong) and I'm prepared for the martini shakers to be chucked at my head! (Or, whatever Bond lovers would chuck at me. Black hats? See, I know what I'm talking about!)

1. A Perfectly Good Chase Scene Ruined By VW Bugs

Bond is running after Some Guy through a bunch of tricky situations in the beginning, right? They end up clambering on top of a train which appears to be hauling a bunch of dirty tractor equipment....AND SEVERAL VW BEETLES. Lined up like Marshmallow Peeps. For some reason. On a dirty train full of dirty tractors.

Now, product placement and Bond movies are like Rob Ford and blow, or Lindsay Lohan and blow, or, uh, any other 'famous person' and blow.

I like the elegant visual mirroring of Wayne and Archer here. So I get it if there's some exec yelling "Put VW in there somehow for chrissake or my nuts will be in a sling!" Hence, we get all kinds of over-the-top product obviousness, some of which is fine because we all dig the long histories of Bond's posh Omega watch or his sex-ay Aston Martin or what have you. But this is so dumb they had to try and justify it with dialogue.

Moneypenny (almost getting taken out by cars flying everywhere): ...
Queen Elizabeth: What was that?
Moneypenny: VW Beetles, I think!


It gets even more unintentionally hylarious when Bond drives a backhoe on top of the Beetles, on top of the train. This is turning into a Richard Scarry book. What was wrong with putting the VWs somewhere else where we could admire their product placement? Like, on the road? Maybe being driven by a cute girl that Bond could drop a wink to while she's sniffing the daisy in the little flower vase mounted on the dash? It's 10 minutes into the movie and he hasn't tried to fuck anybody yet, so, that would have worked for me.

2. An Opening Title Sequence That Could Choke a Horse

Now, who doesn't like a good Bond title sequence? Communists, that's who. Usually they're fun, with lots of tits and ass and guns and shit. I actually love the one from 'Casino Royale' that's got stylish, simple graphics of cards turning into evil villains and dripping blood. Here's the ludicrous list of what's been frantically crammed into THIS sequence, however:

-Giant hands
-A sinkhole that looks like a skull and a vagina

(That's Bond penetrating the skull vagina, right? Just checking.)

-A bunch of paper gun range targets swimming around like clownfish
-Guns and knives and gravestones in an aquarium full of hair
-A picture of Bond's house Skyfall just as Adele sings "Skyfall", in case you hoped to be surprised by what Skyfall actually was
-Bond's eyeball turning into the Mines of Moria
-Bond shooting his own shadow, in case you were looking for metaphor
-A bunch of splooging blood that turns into another skull
-The inside of a gun barrel turns into a rocky vagina
-The target clownfish, now on fire, swim around some terrible 1983 CG of Chinese dragons
-A bizarre barrage of mirrored images of girls, deer, crosses, and other assorted fuckery
-Bond's grave, in case you were fooled into thinking he dies in this one
-Bond in a carny mirrored funhouse
-An apocalyptic rain of blood melting the Skyfall house
-A weird floating orange silhouette of Skeletor
-Bond peeking through a rip in the space-time continuum

Christ, all Tuesday! What the what IS all that shit? That was exhausting. Roger and I would have been happy with some tits, some ass, and some guns.

3. The Hacking Warning

When Anton Chigurh HACKS (I'm having flashes of both Angie Jolie AND Sandy Bullock here, people) into MI6, he leaves a signature that can best be described as a fawning homage to shit-tastic 80s and 90s movies about HACKING.


Hang on - this guy is a mastermind of evil who lives on an island entirely populated by giant computers and he's only capable of making a derpy-looking cut-and-paste animation of Queen Elizabeth's head turning into Terrence (or Phillip, or Ike) on top of the Union Jack with some pre-programmed Casio jams playing in the background? Nice try, Movie Makers.

4. Don't Bullshit Me About Stuff I Know Is False

After Chigurh blows up MI6 with his mad hacking skillz, Generic Agent tells Bond they have moved to new digs that used to be part of Churchill's bunker. I've been in Churchill's bunker, along with bajillions of other people, because it's a famous museum now. Nowhere in it is a vast arched space with elegantly distressed brick and lighting that looks like it belongs in a TriBeCa loft. Just...take that line of dialogue out, Movie Makers. Don't Bullshit Me About Stuff I Know Is False.

5. The Idea of Q Doing Anything In His Pajamas

Gross! New Coke-flavored Q is a patent sop to the Youngs in the audience, who of course by the time the movie came out were already tired of hipster hacker types. Toooooo slow! Brush your fucking hair before meeting with your field agent, and don't talk about your pajamas, for crying out loud. The old Q would shit himself with horror over the new Q's blase attitude. I almost prefer the chumpstain from 'XxX' who graduated MIT, Phi Beta Kappa, magna cum loddie!

Postscript: hylarious that this movie is packed to the gills with 'tech,' but Q hands Bond an envelope with a plane ticket in it like it's fresh out of the travel agent's dot-matrix computer printer. Shit, my MOM uses her smartphone to have her boarding passes scanned!

6. I Can't With The Komodo Dragons

Bond goes to a floating casino that has a Komodo dragon pit in it as, presumably, a security measure, or maybe because the interior decorator saw one at Jackie Chan's place and thought it worked with the throw pillows. It's not a bad idea; Sharon Stone would concur, since Komodo dragons are mean motherfuckers who like to poison you, watch you die, then eat you. Kind of like Sharon Stone's character in 'Basic Instinct'! *weak rimshot*

So when Bond gets stuck in the dragon pit, he gets out by springboarding off the back of a digital Komodo dragon which was conceivably executed by a ninth-grader taking summer school visual effects classes at the Art Institute. It would have been nice if they'd had him do a flip and stick his landing, but oh well, you never really get what you want.

Sorry, I just really like that picture. And it's relevant enough here!

7. Computer Bullshittery Overload

As with product placement, to a certain extent, I get it with making production design work where you sometimes have to say, "Shit, just make it look cool." Not everything out there translates well in a movie, especially an action movie with explosions and tits and stuff in it that necessitates fun visuals. Real computers, unless they've been Bedazzled, are boring-looking.

But Chigurh's weird island fortress of technology is - erm - uh - well, is:

Why the shit are all those computer innards sitting on Metro shelves from Williams-Sonoma? Why would anybody working in a supercomputer fortress want to sit in one of those vintage metal soda shoppe chairs? Wouldn't they want an Aeron chair, for lumbar comfort? Why are they disassembling VCRs - do they need the parts to sell on Ebay? Who's monitoring all that shit - is everybody at lunch at the same time? How do all those computers not overload the power grid of the entire Southern Hemisphere without any fans?

And Too Cool For School Q's computer situation is as ridonk as his Monkees 'do. He plugs Queen Elizabeth's corrupted laptop into MI6 (!?! Even I know that's a bad idea!) and then he and Bond spaz out over the gargantuan screens full of EPIC TECHNOLOGY that are plastered all over the inside of Not Churchill's Bunker. Somebody get Sandy Bullock in here, or, at the very least, Lexie from Jurassic Park. She'd be able to handle this shit with one velociraptor tied behind her back, whereas Q describes the EPIC TECHNOLOGY as "trying to fight a Rubik's Cube that's fighting back." We get that you are 11, Q, but James Bond doesn't know what a Rubik's Cube is. He was too busy fucking girls to play with Rubik's Cubes.

Then, when Chigurh HACKS the system again, Q's all, "Who did this!?" before realizing that HE did it by plugging Queen Elizabeth's corrupted laptop into MI6. *facepalm* Who hired this clown?

WOPR would not be amused at this technological tomfoolery. He would declare Global Thermonuclear War just to teach these bitches a lesson.

8. Anton Chigurh's Raiders Of The Lost Ark Melty Face

Bond catches Chigurh and puts him in a giant Cone of Silence in the new MI6 digs, because of course they would have one of those lying around for any mass murderers Bond might bring by for tea. It's a lame rip-off of Hannibal Lecter's cage in 'Silence of the Lambs,' but I still give Javier Bardem props for trying to do the best he can with the warmed-over side of grits version of Lecter he's going for in this movie. Then, in a deeply comedic moment that's obviously supposed to be ERMAHGERD SCERRRY, Chigurh takes out his upper teefs like he's preparing to suck on a Werther's Original and half of his entire face goes droopsters like the Nazi who looked inside the Ark of the Covenant, hoping for a pot o' gold and instead finding some really pissed-off ghosts. Naughty, bad Nazi!

I love that Chigurh's eyeball and janky Chiclet teefs start floating around like they're being wiggled by a joystick. Jesus, what were those false teef holding up in there!? He can afford his own island but he can't afford reconstructive surgery?

9. I Also Can't With M MacGyvering Weapons

It's simply undignified, people.

Bond and M escape to Skyfall, which is out in the sticks in Scotland. Scottish Cooter, the Olden Tymey caretaker who walks around in wellies with a rifle all the time because that's what everyone in Scotland does, helps Bond and M MacGyver up a bunch of booby traps for when Chigurh shows up. There is literally a Gettin' It Together (TM) montage where M makes grenades out of lightbulbs at the dining room table like she's shelling peas for Sunday dinner.

Okay, it's supposed to be a siege, fine, outmanned and outgunned, right? But are you asking me to believe that that Aston Martin - which has machine guns built into it, remember - doesn't have a boot full of badass weaponry to use in a pinch? I have handier shit in the bugout bag in the back of my car! And here's Bond making M build weapons for him! She should be sitting around drinking Scottish Cooter's best Laphroaig with her feet up and a blankie over her lap. Nobody makes M do ANYTHING, she is the HBIC!

10. Not Enough Cunnilingus Jokes

IMHO this is the weakest entry in all the Bond films with regards to the pussy Bond gets. The bulk of the relationship situation here is supposed to be about his (M)ommy issues (SNORE), but still, Bond's always been able to work a quality fuck in here and there! This time he makes it with some random lady on the beach for 5 seconds and he makes it with the hot casino prostitute for 5 seconds, but we don't give a crap about either encounter - they aren't fun and the sex-ay-time banter is either weak or nonexistent. He doesn't even drop his towel when Moneypenny shows up in his hotel room! Lazy, Bond, just - lazy!

Isn't that how it's supposed to go? Boo, you whore!

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Do I dare?

I do.

Everybody knows 'BMX Bandits' (Or, 'Le Gang des BMX,' as it's AWESOMELY known in France) was Nicole Kidman's first film in the early 80s, and if you don't, then either you don't play enough Trivial Pursuit Entertainment Edition or you don't care enough about stupid shit that has zero relevance to humanity. Since I definitely care about the latter, let's discuss!

Now, when I was a kid BMX was not really The One. Skateboarding was what all the cool guys did. The guys who rode BMX were primed to grow up into hesher assclowns, unlike the skateboarders, who grew up into stoners or financial advisors. I was always a little scared of the BMX guys. In Australia, though, it appears that BMX guys (and girl) are not only cool, they have style (do not argue with me on that) AND they are skilled in outsmarting bad guys three times their age!

I want to say right off the bat that even though Nicole Kidman probably didn't know what she was doing that you can tell throughout this film she's doing the best she can. You can also tell she's talented, or, at least, she's going to become talented. You can ALSO tell she's going to become a plastic surgery addict and Botox hag, because while some might think her face in these early days had a lot of character in a cute fresh Raggedy Ann kinda way, others, including herself, clearly did not, as she now looks like an injection-molded albino salamander in a busted Lindsay Lohan wig. it goes in Hollywood.

So this is a movie about some kids stealing walkie talkies and hooligans chasing them. The fact that walkie-talkies are central to the "plot" kind of tells you everything you need to know. I mean, usually Gettin' It Together (TM) movies from the 80s have some kind of emotional core, like Saving Grandpa's Farm or Helping The Underdog Get Hot, but these selfish brats just want to build a skate park where they can ride their bikes, get high and give each other handjobs (sorry, I just watched 'Rushmore.').  The bigger thing here is how beautifully this movie captures the Vegemite-esque culture of early 80s Australia. Thanks to the cinematographer, the dude who also shot 'Witness' (!) and 'The English Patient' (!) (I guess everybody's gotta start somewhere), there are many loving shots of Australia that give us a wondrous sense of the glory of that magnificent land down under. There's lots of shots of the sparkling ocean, lots of pink, pastel blue and yellow, and weird things that feel almost like normal things, but they're Australian (Note that I keep saying 'Australia' because although it is a large continent, I have no idea where in Australia this story actually takes place).

We start off watching two kids jammin' along the Australian seashore. They are dressed to match their bikes, which is a solid fashion choice, and are wearing weird Hannibal Lecter face masks, which is a poor fashion choice. Every time one of the kids pulls a trick move on his bike there is a sound effect like a door opening on the Starship Enterprise. Are these magical BMX bikers? Unclear.

Then a van driven by some hooligans busts through the plate window of a bank and the hooligans rob it. The cops hop on it right away. The Australian part of this is that the police station is painted bright blue and yellow with red accents, like a daycare center. Then there's some action in the street, which gives us a nice perspective on the Australianness of everything else:

Example A: all the cars are wrong
Example B: the bikers ride past a t-shirt shop called 'Noo Zoo: Animal Zoo Corner'
Example C: a cop calls the BMX bikes 'push bikes'
Example D: there are some hijinks involving lowbrow sex jokes that Benny Hill, who was not Australian but may as well have been, would have been proud of: a mannequin is flung onto a bewildered priest in a position simulating cunnilingus, and a girl bends over so her asscheeks hang out below her skirt

The above is just a random picture I pulled off the internet to reinforce my statements about Australia being weird.

The two biker guys swap quips (I LOVE QUIPS) and run into Nicole at the Australian version of the Peach Pit. The sincere one is named PJ, which is a name best suited to a high school varsity wrestler who gets the student government treasurer pregnant, and the sarcastic one is named Goose, which is a Christmas Miracle.

If I'd've been in charge of this movie, the rest of it would have been Nicole, Goose and PJ hanging out at the Peach Pit, with occasional musical stylings from Men at Work, but unfortunately I was not. I would even have been satisfied if the actual Goose had showed up and both Geese had a BMX bike-off with the ownership of the Peach Pit at stake. When the bike-off resulted in a tie, the Geese would shake on it and turn the Peach Pit over to the crusty short-order cook who's worked there for decades, played by Crocodile Dundee. Then there would be a big dance number while special guest star Olivia Newton John sang 'Xanadu.'

Instead, the BMX kids find a bunch of walkie talkies and gank them out from under the hooligans. They go around selling the walkie talkies to their friends, including the requisite gender-neutral fat kid (who's actually credited as 'Fat Kid', which must have gone a long way as a career move) wearing a visor hat with solar cells on it. This is a prescient costuming choice, as the hole in the ozone layer will eventually position itself over Australia!

The hooligans end up chasing the bikers into a gargantuan cemetery, which precipitates about 75 minutes of 'chasing', 'hiding,' and spooky music reminiscent of this:

Nicole hooks up with Goose after they fall into an open grave full of rats (!?), which is a story that actor probably recounts frequently down at the pub to the other bored drunks. Nicole rebuffs him, prompting him to describe himself, curiously, as "Zombie of the Year." It turns out that everybody's listening in on the walkie talkies, which includes the cops, who are sitting around getting hot and bothered by all the dirty flirting, but most importantly PJ, setting up a vague romantic conflict which goes absolutely nowhere despite the fact that both of these twerps should clearly want to tap that.

The BMX kids get the matching outfits conveniently labeling them as criminals and Nicole's stunt double does a bunch of bike stunts which get the boys horny. Good for her! And look at her helmet! SO AMAZING. I've hunted, but nobody is making replicas of these shirts. Somebody at Zazzle hurry the fuck up and get on that!

Nicole says, "Two's company, three gets us talked about," which insinuates that at some point she is going to fuck both of those guys at the same time. Oh, Australia! Land of threesomes and koalas! Even more alarmingly, when the hooligans corner Nicole by herself, they insinuate they want to assault and rape her in order to find out where the god damned walkie talkies are. What the WHAT! In Australia, apparently this is the modus operandi:

Because zero fucks are given Down Under, this subsequently happens:

1. A car blows up
2. A building is ripped apart by a tractor
3. The fat kid takes it in the face with a mattress while BMXing at full speed
4. Nicole escapes the clutches of one hooligan while the other hooligan is taking a shit

The BMX bandits together foil the hooligans by throwing them into the harbor, where those poor bastards flounder about in very real terror of being eaten by a shark. Remember, Australia, where every single living organism wants to kill you through some nightmarish means!

Because 'getting away' in a movie like this has to involve as many shenanigans as possible, the bikers then spend the next 75 minutes escaping in a waterslide. This actually looks cool, as waterslides in Australia appear to be clean and sparkly and full of lush tropical plants, unlike here in America, where every time I went to Raging Waters or wherever as a kid I had a vague feeling I was getting a mouthful of fecal matter, tapeworms and giardia every time I went down the slide. The bandits and their push bikes also ride through a mall, the most normal-looking location in the movie, and the cunnilingus-loving priest makes another appearance, whereupon the hooligans make a quick homophobic joke at his expense for some other unknown, possibly Australian reason.

Well, unfortunately for our heroes, their criminal activity catches up to them, thanks to the fat kid ratting them out. They try to make a deal with the cops - something American juvenile criminals would NEVER do! What are they teaching them in the schools down there?! - and, when rebuffed, join forces with all the other push bikers in whatever town they're in to take down the hooligans once and for all. There's some Reich-esque fist-pumping and ignoble screaming about getting their bike track, and we're off for the thrilling climax!

I almost missed what happens in the climax because at this point I was too busy being romanced by the Australian dialogue to pay attention. Here are some gems:

"Your little walkie-talkies have gone walkies."
"Let's put the frighteners in 'em."
"You're right in the poo now, sister."

Luckily for me, the climax is so epic my attention was immediately re-focused. The BMXers get one over on the hooligans by throwing flour at them! I wonder if this was the inspiration for the bad guy to die of suffocation in a silo full of grain in 'Witness.'

This screen grab has nothing to do with either grain silos or BMX bikes, I just like how Harrison Ford looks like he's taking this Amish guy hostage while Aragorn helps him out.

The conclusion to this story is that criminals get what they want, because the push bike gang gets their skate park, bemusingly called 'Manly BMX Track.' Is Manly what we are meant to believe prepubescent bikers are? Or, in the last frames of the movie, do we actually find out where it takes place? It must be the latter, because as far as I know there's no deleted scene for the Blu-Ray showing Goose and PJ becoming men by finally having sex with Nicole. The very end is a long shot following Nicole while actually biking, with an Academy Award-winning look of dead seriousness on her once-sweet face, as though somehow she knew she was going to be a huge star and was already making demands like 'I want a clear shot of me and not my stunt double actually riding this fucking bike.'

I think this movie deserves more than two Nickelback thumbs-up. I reckon it deserves a proper Australian send-off!