Monday, November 11, 2013

Yeah, 'The Host.' IT WISHES!

Awkward title, I know. But I, along with many other serious nerds, was fairly offended that this fake alien movie bears the same title as this badass gem of cinema:

Yeah, what? That's what I thought you said. For many of us, there is only one movie titled 'The Host,' and it's the terrific Korean film about a mutant monster which goes on a rampage through Seoul. I know 'Gwoemul' (the Korean title) actually translates to 'monster,' not 'host,' but still. It's what we're stuck with, and it's a movie that has this in it:

...where the Olympic archer nails the monster with a flaming fucking arrow and engulfs it in an inferno. WIN AGAIN!

Luckily for you guys, 'The Host' is on the Netflix Instant. Less luckily, so is 'The Host.' This one is the one made by the lady who made 'Twilight.' (That's me being REALLY diplomatic. Keep that in mind.) This one is the one about the cute girl who tore her way through 'Hanna', only in this one, Hanna wears beige, looks desperate and makes out with some guys, despite the fact that all the kissing in this movie feels a little rapey. As my husband queried, "Is this one of those stories where there's a girl and two guys and it's all about fucking feelings?" Yes. Yes, it is. This one is the one where aliens pull a 'Body Snatchers' move, only guess what they do? THEY MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER.

This story has the most insanely stupid alien premise possibly known to man, and that includes a lot of bad fanfiction out there on The Inter Nets, as well as 'Transformers'. Who writes a book about quiet, helpful aliens who are bent on improving Earth? The lady who made 'Twilight,' that's who.

If I go too in-depth with discussing this movie, I'm going to have to punch my cat to death, and I really don't want to do that. Instead, I will hit some highlights, and then GTFO before any damage gets done.

Here are the stars of this movie:

Christ, all Tuesday. The aliens in this movie look like little glowing Tribbles. They go inside you and make you polite. I SHIT YOU NOT. There is an unintentionally hylarious scene when Hanna sees some dead aliens lying like small pools of ejaculate on a table and freaks out. Man, that poor actor worked hard for the money!

The Lotus Evora is the real star of this movie. Polite aliens get to drive chrome cars in the future, because chrome = futuristic. There are so many masturbatory shots of these cars I started to forget that aliens invaded. Because they're polite, I'm sure everybody obeys the speed limit.

The Mercedes Unimog is also a star. It's involved in a monumentally boring chase (under the speed limit) where we're supposed to believe that it can outpace the Lotus Evora. One Unimog commits hara-kiri by smashing into a concrete wall. I was way more agonized over that moment than, um, any other moment.

This is the best I could do to show you the star power of the ridiculous shoes Diane Kruger wears. In the future, aliens dress in all white, presumably because they have alien powers to keep everything clean. However, they do not have the sartorial know-how to avoid wearing some busted Payless-style shit brown boots from 2006 with their ill-fitting white high-waisted pants. Diane Kruger is a gorgeous fashionista, so I can only assume she was ACTUALLY taken over by an alien when she let them dress her like this.

Ol' Unky Jeb's neckerchiefs are also shining stars. In the future, resistance fighters are going to talk and dress like Olden Tymey pioneers. 'Firefly,' this ain't. They're also going to be named Jamie, Jebediah, Jared, Magnolia and whatever other Olden Tymey Holy Bibley-style names are appropriate for pioneers. Is Magnolia a name in the Holy Bibley? If not, it should be!

There are a couple of other stars of this film that defy JPEGging. One is the fact that the main character's name, which starts out as an interesting 'Wanderer,' gets shortened to Wanda. WANDA! The more everyone says it, the derpier it sounds. Besides, there's only one true Wanda in film:

Another is Hanna's janky Louisiana accent. Hanna talks to herself, because her body got snatched, right? So WANDA speaks in irritating alien-speak, you know, without contractions. She has boring and confusing mental conversations with the owner of the body, Melanie, who is apparently from Louisiana. Hanna is a skilled actor, nobody doubts this. However, she is deeply incapable of working a Southern accent. But it's OK, as this movie takes place in the visually fascinating territory of wherever the lady who wrote 'Twilight' lives, so we basically forget about Louisiana. Frankly, William Hurt's bogus accent also deserves special mention. I've always figured Hurt to be like Malkovich, where they're, like, 'Fuck accents, I'm an American acting legend and I'm just gonna do what I want in this movie about 9th century China that I'm starring in.'

Oh my GOD. I'm trying to think of other things to whinge about, but honestly, this movie was so dreary that all I can do is think about how its existence gives credence to the maxim 'You can't polish a turd.' I mean, you can, if it's a really hard turd, but it's still just going to end up being a shiny turd. This book sucked (I "read" the entire thing in one afternoon while I was hanging around a Barnes & Noble) and you just can't make a good movie out of a sucky story. It's SCIENCE, people. I don't even have the energy to rate this shitbomb with some Nickelback, so I'll just leave you with this:


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