Friday, March 7, 2014


I worked hard at this one, you guys. Carnac the Magnificent couldn't have given it more of a go than I. But all my efforts paid off, and the Netflix Gods granted me yet another exquisite shitshow of an action blockbuster with so many cliches stuffed up its ass, it's got poop swimming in its eyes: 'The Core.' A movie that doubtless had the budget equivalent to a mid-sized EU country's annual GNP, a movie starring Oscar and Tony winners, a movie with a premise so preposterous that it just might be true and the government is keeping it a secret: that is 'The Core.' Sometimes I wonder if I should buy all these heinous action movies on the DVD and construct a special bookshelf/shrine just for them, so I won't have to expend so much energy trolling through the Instant lists looking for them.

So, in 'The Core,' a giant dildo ship piloted by a ragtag gang of nerds penetrates into the Urf in order to detonate a nuke so the Urf's core can start spinning in the right direction. This movie is two hours and fourteen minutes of Olympic-caliber fuckery, with all those Oscar and Tony winners reciting stupid dialogue or sitting around inside the dildo ship with their mouths hanging open while terrible digital effects swirl around outside the ship as the Urf heads towards yet another cinematic apocalypse which can only be averted through a battery of cliches, tropes, and stereotypes.

But before I could formulate a carefully-crafted Danger Zone post beyond my stellar introduction up there,  THE NETFLIX GODS FUCKING TOOK IT DOWN! Like three days after it went up! That NEVER happens! Obviously, one of the following things happened:

1. Hilary Swank's publicist heard me talking shit about 'The Core' while in line at Millions of Milkshakes and realized her stellar career couldn't take yet another hit, so she bailed outta there without even waiting for her Million Dollar European Speciality shake, hauled balls in her Kia over to the Netflix HQ and threatened to set the building on fire unless they gave her back her stapler - er, uh, I mean, took the movie off the Instant queue

2. I didn't sacrifice enough varmint roadkill on the Netflix Gods altar I built in my backyard

3. Somebody at Netflix realized it wasn't supposed to be on the Instant in the first place and removed it

Which one do you think, guys? I'm guessing number 2. I take full blame for this. It'll never happen again, I swear.

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