Monday, September 23, 2013

Here's a good one. And by good, I mean the opposite of good.

Yeah, you thought I was talking about 'Pretty in Pink'? You must be high. 'Pretty in Pink' is not Netflix dreck (although thank god it is avail on the Instant, as is 'The Breakfast Club', 2 of the 4 basic 80s food groups - the other two being 'Fast Times' and '16 Candles'). I just really liked this grab of Steff being all cunty to Andie, when what he really wants to say is, "I've got a suite, even though it's only 400 bucks a night. Be my prom date!"

No, I'm talking about 'Tuff Turf'. (If it isn't already obvious, I can't be bothered to learn how to do my own screen grabs, so I just use whatever I trip over on the Google even if it's only obliquely relevant.) I kind of went into a James Spader Netflix dungeon by starting with 'Stargate' and spiraling all the way down to a Canadian TV movie he made where he runs around town with a hot alien bitch who wears her collar up. However, on the way down, I fell into this cinematic gem, and as it gave me the special tingles, I thought it was definitely worth a writeup.

First, examine this image:

...and rejoice. I cannot get enough of coked-up RDJ from back in teh day where he looked like he railed a fat one, wandered into the makeup trailer and slopped on a shit-ton of mascara and lipstick. He was like this in 'Weird Science', too, if less sweaty. But in that movie he was just a generic douche, whereas in this movie, he plays the drums in a bitchin' New Wave band wearing only suspenders, a Ray-Bans choker and leather pants!

I digress. The shining star of this movie is Steff. He plays a 25-year old high school student who was in prep school "in Connecticut" (I'm guessing Choate, by the way he clenches his jaw when he's fakin' it at the country club halfway through the movie), but got kicked out. Now he's doing donuts on his Schwinn in a tuff-guy jacket at PUBLIC SCHOOL GASP, where he doesn't fit in, probably because he's 25. The plot involves some greasy hoodlums, the hot girl hoodlum that he's going to get with when she stops using her tuff-girl vagenda against him, a weird digression into the hot girl hoodlum's psyche and then a bunch of straight-up attempted murders at the end. What!? An inordinate amount of time is spent in this film focusing on Steff's bike. Riding the bike, parking the bike, having conversations around the bike, staging a turf war because of the bike, etcetera. I guess the crack team crafting this film figured The Kidz would understand, because our lives revolved around our bikes in the 80s since Instagram hadn't been invented yet. I guess. My best friend always gave me rides in her '68 Mustang, so what the fuck did I care.

There are more important things to discuss, though, like the love interest's crimped hair. That girl WORKED THAT HA'R. It's, like, beyond. It must have been so hot on her neck and her back. Did she ever accidentally sit on it when she had to drop a deuce? These are the things that concern me.

Here she is picking up an old dude as part of a tricksy scam she and her hooligan gang run on The Streets. She is giving me serious baby prostitute vibes. However, her crimping is fucking varsity, you guys, as is her headband-and-knotted-pearls game. The costumes for the girls in this movie basically rip off Madonna circa 1984, but they do it well.

The most important scene in this movie is the country club scene I mentioned earlier. You might argue that there are more important scenes, like the one where we learn that hot girl hooligan feels sad about her mom dying of cancer, or the one where Steff's dad gets shot and is left for dead on The Streets, but no. Those scenes pale in comparison to the scene where Steff and his friends swap clothes and crash singles day at the country club. They steal lobsters and baguettes, discuss blow jobs and finger sandwiches, and Steff hijacks the piano in order to serenade the hot girl hooligan with possibly the most delicious ballad ever, 'We Walk the Night':

Oh, oops, sorry. You get the picture. So what happens at the end of this movie? Oh,come ON. 'Tuff Turf,' ladies and gentlemen!

No comments:

Post a Comment