Saturday, September 21, 2013

OK, since I mentioned 'The Skulls'...

Disclaimer: I have watched this film like 4,2957,32,908 times. Why? Who the fuck knows. It's like a bag of stale Halloween candy. You know you should just chuck it and go to Rite Aid and get another bag for like two dollars, but instead you keep eating it. Like a dog. Until you barf.

So this movie is about secret societies (which is a phrase that should always be spoken while doing a butt wiggle, a la Selma Blair's character in Cruel Intentions) and how they're all corrupt and ancient and secret and part of the government and the po-lice and stuff, and how Pacey's going to overthrow the oldest and secretest of them all, the Skull and Bones at Yale. I mean, sorry, the Skulls at Movie College University.

As with all movies which follow this formula, once things get all car-chasey and plot-turney, I lose interest and start checking my email. I'm a first-fifty kinda viewer. After fifty minutes the story starts to grind, the main characters have already fucked, there's going to be some kind of shouty confrontation and then who gives a shit. So let's concern ourselves with the fun stuff, which is more fun-er, anyhow.

The 5 viable reasons I think this movie gets my repeat attention:

1. It has rowing in it. As a former oarsman I find all cinematic rowing hilarious. Rowing is incredibly difficult and the movies should always just have doubles from the Olympic team doing it, rather than trying to make actors look like they're good enough to row at Yale or Oxford. I'm lookin' at you, Rob Lowe and the guy from A Room with a View. When Pacey's trying to work shit out he goes to the boathouse and sits on a rowing machine from the twelfth century that looks like a rack and he flails around like a motherfucker while shafts of light pour over him.

2. It has Pacey in it. Or, Peter, whatever.

3. It has Gil Grissom in it. He plays a smooth Original Flavor Skull with a predilection for underaged poon. I love that the poor bastard tries to make his character, like, complex and layered. Is he a bad guy or isn't he? So long as he gets what my husband and I academically refer to as a 'griz' in there, I'm satisfied. The 'griz' is when Grissom purses his mouth, tilts his head and raises an eyebrow like he's acknowledging what a n00b you are at solving crime, and how he solved the crime like twenty minutes ago by using a jar of bugs, a severed pig's head and a lunar calendar. He gets in a griz or two in 'The Skulls,' mainly when he's fronting against the evil overlord named Mandrake (WAH HA HA HA).

4. It has the dude equivalent of a romantic comedy montage where the poor guy gets a Breitling watch, a closet full of clothes, a bunch of elegant punani, a vintage Thunderbird (which, by movie rights, is a cool car, but not as cool a car as the one the hot antagonist gets, which is a Ferrari or something) and bonus admission to a whole passel of law schools.

5. It has 'witty repartee', which is how all Ivy League students talk while they're hanging out in their massive dorm suites eating pizza, surrounded by tons of musty tomes and old leather sofas. Totally makes me nostalgic for my own college days. Reminds me of the time I was drunk and taking a bunch of antibiotics so I peed all over the floor of my dorm room in front of all my friends. Twice.

These might all be good reasons for YOU to give 'The Skulls' your undivided attention for fifty minutes, too. While you're doing the laundry. Or your taxes. It's worth it!

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